Finding your Inner Sherlock Holmes: Key Strategies for Being a Good Parent Detective

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One of the keys to assisting children to grow and develop healthy is by providing the supervision and monitoring necessary to help them navigate the minefield around them that is otherwise known as the teen years. Research in the field consistently signals the importance of monitoring and supervision as main ways to help children be successful in these potentially turbulent years. Monitoring and supervision often include things such as knowing who children are spending time with, what they do when they are out of the home, where they go, and what the supervision, monitoring, and value systems are of their friends’ parents. While some children are open books, other children do not want to include their parents in their lives or choices. For these children who often want more privacy and independence, parents often have to work hard, channeling their inner Sherlock Holmes to be the type of parent detective that their children need.

It is a parent’s duty to know what his or her child is up to and that he or she is safe. This can be especially challenging for parents of children who want to be left alone to make their own choices and decisions. The responsibility remains with parents to know that their child is safe, by knowing what behaviors he or she is engaging in and what situations they may find him or herself in. For situations in which children do not share with their parents or include them, parents need to do what is necessary to get the information that they need.

Talk to other parents
Pay attention when you are driving a carpool-you might just be amazed about what children talk about when they don’t think you are listening.
Show up where your children are supposed to be. Often you will not even talk to them, but I recommend that you sometimes attend a movie at the same time or go buy a coffee when you know your child is supposed to be hanging out at a coffee shop or bookstore with friends.
Have many clear rules for phones, computers, and social media. These rules should include things like no deleting or closing down any screens when you are in the room, that you can ask to see their pages, emails, texts, etc. at any time, and that you control all passwords. I know many parents who also have their own Facebook account or something similar just as a means to have more information about what his or her child is doing.
Get clear evidence if possible. For example: if you are concerned about drug experimentation conduct drug testing. Some parents also do things like get home cameras or security systems installed if they are concerned their children might be trying to sneak out or bringing other peers over to the house.

What I advise parents to do is to trust their gut response. If something is telling them that something isn’t right, they need to investigate and get the information needed to know if their child needs help to be safe. Sometimes parents get overwhelmed or discount their gut reactions thinking that they are overreacting. Without further information a parent may not know, and if his or her gut is right that a child may need a lot of support, guidance, and clear guidelines in order to be safe.

Parents can ascertain information in lots of ways. This can be as simple as being sensitive to children and asking questions. Sometimes parents find that asking children at the right times is crucial to get the information they need. I know of parents who make a point to get a special treat with their child or ask questions while driving alone together in the car because they have noticed that these are situations in which their specific child is more open. Another key is to be involved. Being involved in a child’s life may include:

Talk to other parents.
Pay attention when you are driving a carpool-you might just be amazed about what children talk about when they don’t think you are listening.
Show up where your children are supposed to be. Often you will not even talk to them, but I recommend that you sometimes attend a movie at the same time or go buy a coffee when you know your child is supposed to be hanging out at a coffee shop or bookstore with friends.
Have many clear rules for phones, computers, and social media. These rules should include things like no deleting or closing down any screens when you are in the room, that you can ask to see their pages, emails, texts, etc. at any time, and that you control all passwords. I know many parents who also have their own Facebook account or something similar just as a means to have more information about what his or her child is doing.
Get clear evidence if possible. For example: if you are concerned about drug experimentation conduct drug testing. Some parents also do things like get home cameras or security systems installed if they are concerned their children might be trying to sneak out or bringing other peers over to the house.

Another challenge for parents is that many teenagers are upset and angry when their parents set rules, supervise, monitor, and when they investigate their child’s behavior. I recommend that you notify children that it is your responsibility to be a good “parent detective” and that you take this job very seriously. It is OK to inform your children that it is your duty to keep them safe and healthy and that this is a nonnegotiable thing. Some parents also need to be firm and let their child know that he or she needs to comply with the parent’s conditions in order to earn privileges. For example: many families have a rule that in order for a child to visit a friend the parent needs to have met that friend previously and spoke to the other child’s parent about this specific event. If a child is not willing to comply with these guidelines than the child is told that he or she does not have permission and the matter won’t be further discussed until he or she does what is necessary to fulfill the guidelines.

In addition, for children earning privileges to leave the house unsupervised some families make this privilege contingent on multiple behaviors including:

1. The child must keeping the phone locator device on at all times

2. The child must calling or texting to check in each 30 to 60 minutes

3. The child must respond every time the parent contacts them

4. The child also must always have permission for whatever activity and for who will be there. The parent may call to verify with other parents to make sure about what the plan is and who will be attending. Also, the child isn’t able to change plans without permission. For example: if a child got permission to ride bikes to a specific restaurant he or she is not able to change to ride to a movie instead without permission. Being able to earn future trips out is also dependent on following these rules. I believe it is important to let children know this so they know what to expect and also since you will use this information to determine privileges to go out without you, but also other large areas such as if your child is demonstrating the responsibility and maturity to be ready to drive or stay home alone for longer periods.

The best way is to get the information needed to determine if you child is engaging in safe behaviors is to foster positive, open communication with your child. This is more likely to occur in cases where you make times to just have fun and positive interactions with your child, where you praise and reward your child for telling you things you think are important for you to know, and when you are able to manage your own emotions regarding what your child is telling you. Children are much more likely to discuss more important topics in the future when you have stayed calm and had good conversations about what they are telling you. It is a difficult balance, but it is important to hear your child out and also tell them your values as well as your hopes and dreams for them in a way that doesn’t feel too much like a lecture. The reality is that children need their parents in these turbulent years and parents need to rise to the challenge. Know there are supports out there, good sources for education, other parents who also are working hard to keep their children safe who can be important allies, and parents have a wealth of knowledge because they survived their own teen years and have lived to tell about it. With all of this support and knowledge, parents can make Mr. Holmes proud.

UPCOMING PROGRAMMING

School Year Programming

School year therapy groups are ten-week afternoon therapeutic groups that are designed to provide therapy by specifically targeting individualized goals for our campers.

A minimum of one hour includes therapeutic activities that heavily target the development of social skills, emotion regulation, and positive behaviors, while the next hour focuses on further skill development by providing a variety of experiential activities as part of a group to create opportunities to observe the child in a natural setting and intervene to facilitate change. Some quarters provide a special emphasis to improve skills, while other quarters have a more general offering based on the campers’ interests and often include programming in areas such as video game making, drama, art, movie making, etc.

Spring Group Started March 19th (Fullerton)

Summer Programming

Quest’s intensive summer program offers 7 weeks of programming (6 weeks of day camp and 1 week of residential). The summer program includes individualized behavior plans, group therapy, occupational therapy, a social thinking curriculum, mindfulness activities, yoga, soccer, games in the park, and field trips (beach, Boomers, Rockin’ Jump, Discovery Science Center, bowling, etc.) to create a fun and engaging, therapeutic camp experience for children.

Weekly parent meetings are also included. The summer program has been found across multiple studies to significantly reduce hyperactivity, impulsivity, aggression, and inattention, while improving peer relations, family relations, athletic competency, behavioral control and self-esteem. Quest has also been found to improve social awareness, social cognition, social communication, and social problems.

Summer Camp Dates are:
June 25 through August 9th

Finding your Inner Sherlock Holmes: Key Strategies for Being a Good Parent Detective

Check out the 2018 Summer calendar!

Read the detailed description of Quest's Summer Camp information!